I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
