Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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