someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
