Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
