There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
