Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
