Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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