gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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