toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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