no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
