i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think a kid would responsible me up
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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