I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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