Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Drake has all the answers
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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