I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
