Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
