Little spoons don't ask big questions
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
