U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i think my cat just said my name.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
