Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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