I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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