I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
