last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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