Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
