I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
