I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
