I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
