Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think my fart just growled at me.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
