Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
