I wish life had little blips of pornography
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
