My underwear smells like fireworks.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize