i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
