True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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