I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize