So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
