I want to have your abortion
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
