If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
