The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
