I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize