My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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