Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
they're like a gay fantastic four
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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