1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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