He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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