His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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