I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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