everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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