Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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