I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
