when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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