i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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