I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Couch. On fire.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
