Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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