she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize