I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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