I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
