Life is so much better after having sex.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
