just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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