i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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